I've given up being artsy. Far too much effort involved. I spent over $100 on dvds and cds today. Then I accidently shoplifted. How rebellious. Currently I'm working down a bottle of vanilla vodka. I seriously need some sort of social life back. My social life has always involved large quantities of alcohol, but at least I was out of the house. I'm trying to get my weekend job switched over to Saturdays instead of Sundays so I can go out drinking after week, and have Sundays off to recuperate before the work week begins again. I'm trying to pinpoint the highlight of my week, and usually I have one, but I can't seem to think of one right now. Old, giddy, make up-caked, fake tanned hookers don't really cut it, I don't think.
I had more, but I've lost my train of thought. I'll have to get back to you. Later negro.
Everytime I get sick, for at least a brief moment, I wonder if I might be dying. Cancer maybe, or some sort of strange disease I wouldn't know anything about. I don't do this for the everyday cold of course, but when I'm actually sick. I don't do it to be morbid, or even because I'm paranoid, just a weird genuine curiousity. I'm sure part of that is because I haven't been to the doctor in a decade. Well I guess that's not entirely true, I went to get a wart removed while in highschool. Currently I have some sort sinus ailment, I'm almost certain that's what it is. But of course I thought it might be a tumor growing in the front of my head. I actually kind of hope that's exactly what it is. What better to actually motivate me than a life threatening illness? Against all odds, the underdog, an uphill struggle. All the cliches, whatever it takes to break out of the stranglehold apathy has held over me for many a year. I've never been able to find the motivation. Nothing has ever been difficult, but, at the same time, interesting. My life has never been hard, I'll admit that. But at the same time, it's never been easy. I've never had the passion, the desire to push forward on anything. Instead I'm stuck in a permanent rut, continually going with the flow, wherever this polluted river ends up taking me. I can't even swim ashore long enough to become an alcoholic for christ's sake. I almost need cancer at this point.
(I'm too tired to write this stuff without completely losing focus at this point)
I find that sometimes it's hard to get up, but once you do it's even harder to get down. The mornings don't always agree, but maybe it's because I'm just sick of being sober. If only I had the motivation to be an addict. Maybe then I could make something of myself, even if just a charity case (I could be an A&E special). Maybe I could be out among the people, blowing my money on things I won't even remember the next morning. I take that back, I can't stand people. They're all better than me, even though at the end of the day I just end up jealous of myself. I feel like the heads of a coin that wishes it were tails, a coin that's been flipped but never seems to land. Spinning until I'm nauseous, like those damned revolving doors that seem to be everywhere I go. Sometimes I think I'd put my pen to paper more often if I weren't stuck in those doors all the time. I wouldn't write stories, just incoherent thoughts revealing my faults and insecurities disguised as fiction and no one would know but me. It would be so artsy I'd have to start wearing a scarf. That scarf would only get me so far. Farther than I am right now however, and farther than I'd end up otherwise. I hate scarves though, so fuck it. I'm going to pour myself another drink and shoot for the A&E special.
"These half finished bottles of inspiration lie like ghosts in my room" more pics than words lately, but whatever. I am just flat out exhausted for the most part, and yet here I am up at 3am on a Saturday night, when I can actually sleep. Why? Long story that is killing me right, I just want to get it over with.
Anyways, work is work, but I did run into someone from highschool today at the bar. It was kind of weird. I thought it was her, but wasn't sure until she came over and said hi, and was sure that it was me. I finished my beer, had a smoke and came home because I have to work yet again tomorrow.
