Dude, where's my scarf?

Everytime I get sick, for at least a brief moment, I wonder if I might be dying. Cancer maybe, or some sort of strange disease I wouldn't know anything about. I don't do this for the everyday cold of course, but when I'm actually sick. I don't do it to be morbid, or even because I'm paranoid, just a weird genuine curiousity. I'm sure part of that is because I haven't been to the doctor in a decade.
Well I guess that's not entirely true, I went to get a wart removed while in highschool. Currently I have some sort sinus ailment, I'm almost certain that's what it is. But of course I thought it might be a tumor growing in the front of my head. I actually kind of hope that's exactly what it is. What better to actually motivate me than a life threatening illness? Against all odds, the underdog, an uphill struggle. All the cliches, whatever it takes to break out of the stranglehold apathy has held over me for many a year.
I've never been able to find the motivation. Nothing has ever been difficult, but, at the same time, interesting. My life has never been hard, I'll admit that. But at the same time, it's never been easy. I've never had the passion, the desire to push forward on anything. Instead I'm stuck in a permanent rut, continually going with the flow, wherever this polluted river ends up taking me. I can't even swim ashore long enough to become an alcoholic for christ's sake. I almost need cancer at this point.


(I'm too tired to write this stuff without completely losing focus at this point)