So the new job has started. Sort of. Right now the places is getting a complete makeover/cleaning. I'm very much looking forward to this phase being done so we can get down to business. It's going to be fun I think. Hard work, yes, but fun. And I will be glad to be finally be rid of my old employer, what a hell hole.
I've kept myself busy this week, so I haven't really had a chance to sit around and think, or even worse, drink & think. Just have the feeling that when I do, it will all melancholy. Ah well. At least it inspires what little creativity I have left in me.
There's a flash There's a flood Here's the violence Is your mouth still breathing?
Here's the loss Here's the moon There's the daylight Do you remember this at all?
I don't think I can see your face again
Lost a head Lost your eyes Looking for home Have you lost yourself?
Imagined Headache Blackened lungs Satellite city life Fighting what you left behind Where the fuck have you been?
Dearest Megin, I was going to call you tonight in a drunken stuper and ask you what was up, and tell you that I loved you, and probably say something stupid, because it's what I do. Unfortunately you are experiencing phone difficulties. So you'll have to take a raincheck on all that good stuff, ok?
Anyways, this is an entry dedicated to you. I can't even remember how long it is that I've known you, to be honest, but really, it doesn't matter, because you are still one of my most favourite people in the world. And well the list of people I can stand is fairly short, so you are in fairly exclusive company.
That's how much you rock. I have to cut this short because your batteries suck. Loser :P
You should hang out with me tomorrow, for reals. Later dude, I LOVE YOU MEGS!
Personal holocaust A six week delay These other things to come Unecessary epithets And I fear for my life
Haven't talked for months Hope you never call Talking to strangers But it still can't replace Highway tragedy
Impressionable personality Fucked up fault lines Etched in the face of time Faces rendered meaningless Like my dusty telephone ==================================== My broken fingers have let me down Bags of green wasting away overhead Lost, out of control Slowly drained ambition Choking on what's left of it Still there's parts of you keeping me up Late at night when I turn Tossing away bitterness I'll use it when I have to These pink bullets never miss They never cease
I know I've said it before on here, but life is funny. Or maybe I just find humour and pleasure far too easily. Turns out that the guy who essentially made me redundant at work, thus leading me to find employment elsewhere, has given his two weeks notice. He told me about this shortly before I left work today, and I couldn't help but laugh. They tried dicking him over, but ended up dicking me over instead, and now we're both leaving. This company is so dysfunctional, and I love it.
_____________________________________________________________________ Redblooded Handicapped heartattack Caught by surprise Headshake/handshake goodbyes May the silence overcome No more dramatic refrains Instead the temporary stain
Cold blooded Masochistic tendencies And a swift reprise Breeds a scheming lie Over-thought and overdone Burned by the winter sun ___________________________________________ Lame. This entire entry took about an hour, btw.
I think the fact that no one reads this makes it a lot easier to be completely open.
I've had an odd couple of days, mentally, I suppose. So much so I don't think I can really explain it. Up and down, back and forth. I guess "complete and utter confusion" may be the best adjective here. It's like I think I have everything figured out, and going smoothly, then there's a chain of seemingly small events that fucks my head right up, and I'm drinking vodka on a Sunday night, listening to songs I used to love when I was 16 because I was angsty, apathetic, unconfident, and the like.
I never cared if I was 'cool', I never cared about grades, or sports. I didn't care about much, actually. Just getting by was my greatest concern I figure. Though, as is par for the course, the opposite sex had much do with my angst and some of my underaged drinking. Of course that was partly* my fault.
But now, at least for tonight, I feel as though I've come full circle. Completely lost. Filled with with angst (both rational and irrational). Bad day, perhaps? Sure. Throw in a little vodka and there we go. I had a point here, somewhere, but this is all too emo, and I've lost it now.
Just finished an interesting phonecall. I hadn't talked to her in months. I had gone back and forth on whether or not I should call her, or let her be the one to call me, if she ever decided to do so. In the same vein I was torn or whether I should miss her, resent her, or completely forget her. She admitted to be being an "asshole". Whether she meant an asshole towards me, or the way things were done or whatever, I'm not sure, but it's something I guess. And while I've always found the restentment option the most unlikely, and in a way, the pettiest, I now see it as impossible. Every so often I would wonder why she hadn't made an effort to contact me. It definitely made me lean towards the 'completely forget' option. However, after this latest phonecall, in which she decided to call me, I heard about everything she had gone through in the past few months and I realized why she hadn't. Hell, if I had to deal with all of that, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone, period.
So in the end, the only real option is 'miss her'. Maybe not in the way I once did. But in the fairly short time we really knew eachother, she had a pretty big effect on my life. Those kind of people seem to come along once in awhile, at least for me. Whether it's four years, or four months doesn't matter. It's what they leave behind.
We promise to keep in touch, to get together one way or another. Whether it will happen or not, who knows. But at least I leave this with no regret, no resentment, no bitterness. Only a strange, awkward maybe, happy ending of sorts.
Life is funny sometimes. Ok, all the time. Even if it's that things-are-so-fucked-up-but-you-can't-help -but-laugh type of funny.
The day after my employment world gets fairly fucked up, I get a message that essentially was "Hey, remember that stuff I was trying to get started? well it's pretty much a go if you're still interested."
And by that, I mean I already have another job lined up. That is far too lucky to be true, especially for me, but I'll be optimistic. I even went out and dropped almost $200 on cds today, as well as planning to spend 100 more on a new mp3 player. And I have beer, and vodka and feel like celebrating. Granted I'll be doing it alone. But what else is new.
For the next few weeks I'll be working less, and drinking more. And I will savour every moment. So now my future while still semi uncertain, is looking a lot better than it did yesterday.
So today at work I was basically told I was redundant, and yet I was still wanted around. Only at half the cost to them. I worked 50, 60, even 70 hours a week for very little pay, and very little thanks. Paying my dues as it were. I was even told that they eventually wanted me as management. As it turns out, ehhh not so much.
So, now that I've got a bit more time on my hands than I know what to do with, who wants to make plans?
So I suppose a Happy New Year's is in order. Hooray and all that mumbo jumbo. Another year, another list of promises I will make to myself, only half intending to keep, and almost never following through at all. I'd like to eat healthier, I'd like to drink a little less, or maybe a little more, I'd like to do alot of things. I'd like to start again.. change who I am. But hey, let's start with the eating thing and see how it goes, I am but a mere mortal.
If I manage to pull any of that off, you should all be very impressed, and I will act like it's no big thing. It's how I roll.
